If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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