sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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