i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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