so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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