I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
