We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
