she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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