I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
