Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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