somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
