My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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