I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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