did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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