Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
