I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
