I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
