I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
as a side note pls kill me
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