Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
