sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize