Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize