it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
