and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
