She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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