In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
