my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
