3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
