i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
