Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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