So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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