apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
