She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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