I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize