I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
