i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Randomize
