If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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