I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
farters have to be the big spoon...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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