I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
