Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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