Soap is not a condiment
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
