dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
