I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
