I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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