One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
