Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
