I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
