I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
In America we eat man semen.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
