Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
