my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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