For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
