Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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