took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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