got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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