and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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