My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
